P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just gift wrapped bread.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
