im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
