i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
