I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
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Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
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It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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