We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
