This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
