it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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