I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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