I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
