I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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