I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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