I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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