mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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