the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
