I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
