just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I need moral support for this bender
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
