I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
