every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
