Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
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there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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