This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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