Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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