I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
