He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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