I should be sponsored by Trojan
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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