I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
