I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
