One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
