Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
