1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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