When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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