I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
