Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
