Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
