I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
