is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
