How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
