Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table