oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"