Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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