I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
