my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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