Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize