who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
