Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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