I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
