I bet he comes in French.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
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