Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
