no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize