For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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