Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
