I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
He passed out mid-signature
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Im part way to drunk.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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