i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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