we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
