The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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