My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
