Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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