Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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