Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
