Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
