Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
